Conversation at a Funeral

On arriving from afar…

Way back when...

Patrick: I drove past our first house on Park Road.

Charles: How does it look now?

Patrick: Much the same. No additions or alterations. Change of paint.

Charles: How many years since you saw it?

Patrick: Way back. About thirty. Where are you living now?

Charles: I took refuge on a ten-acre block out in the hills. Bit of bush, a few hens, and too much time to think.

Patrick: Sounds idyllic. Beats trudging through airports.

Charles: And now you’re back attending funerals, same as the rest of us.

Patrick: Yes. Parents go, teachers go, now our peers are going.

Charles: Makes one wonder about one’s own passing. I’ve laid a few tentative plans. A simple cremation, ashes scattered among the manuka on my block. No speeches.

Patrick: I suppose that’s what we’re all after. Not grandeur, just quiet endings.

_________

Voice-over

Charles reflects that when they were young the talk was about houses, children, jobs, the future. Patrick follows up about putting things in order so others don’t have to tidy up after. 

Death Café in Bangkok

Stumbling on an attraction in Ari…
Bae: "Death Cafe"? Sounds like a place where coffee isn't the only thing that keeps you up at night.
Prae: Haha, Let's check it out. Maybe they serve killer lattes.
Bae: (walking down the alley) The lights are on, but it looks like nobody's home. Spooky!
Prae: Look, there's a ghost room and escape challenges. And what's this? Finding an antidote after being bitten by a snake?
Bae: What a weird place. I wonder if they have a frequent screamer card.
Prae: Maybe they give out ghost points. Collect ten and get a free exorcism!
Bae: I don't see anyone inside. Do you think it's a trap? Like, we go in and never come out?
Prae: Or maybe it's just a really exclusive club. Only the bravest souls allowed.
Bae: Speaking of souls, did you notice the cancer hospital across the road? Talk about a contrast.
Prae: Yeah, it's like life and death are having a staring contest.
Bae: Well, if we survive the Death Cafe, we can always pop over for a check-up.
Prae: Let's see if we can find someone to tell us more. Maybe they're hiding in the ghost room.
Bae: Or maybe they're just dying to meet us.
Prae: (groans) That's terrible.
_____________
Voice-over
The idea of a “Death Café” was initiated by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, who organized the first "café mortel" in 2004. His aim was to break the "tyrannical secrecy" surrounding death and encourage open conversations about it, to increase awareness of death and to help people make the most of their finite lives. There are now some 14,000 death cafés in 80 countries.

Graveside Visit

At the garden center café…

Sophie: I visited my mother's grave yesterday. I was there alone, and it was so peaceful.

Barbara: Did you talk? I sometimes visit my mother's grave too. It's comforting to talk to her. I like that she doesn't reply; it makes me feel more independent.

Sophie: Well, I sometimes hear her voice. Yes, there's something calming about those moments.

Barbara: Uh huh. It's a space where I can just be myself and speak freely. How was she, your mother?

Sophie: I told her about everything that's happened lately, and this time she, well, just listened. It felt really good.

___________

Voice-over

Listening is an art. Something you want to be remembered for, even when you’re gone. Maybe people will keep coming to talk even then. So the connection will continue.

Old house, old car, old body

Objects vs humans…

Erik: In some ways, we humans are just objects, like houses or cars.

Olga: It’s a bit extreme.

Erik: Well houses get old, develop problems. Electrical appliances conk put, leaks appear, floors rot. After a series of these it becomes too expensive to fix them.

Olga: Yes, like cars. The electricals go, the suspension goes, the transmission. Scrap it.

Erik: So our bodies follow a similar pattern. The digestion slows and needs intervention, organs fail, cancer appears. 

Erik: Individuals sometimes call time themselves.

Olga: So you're saying scrap someone with too many health issues?

_________

Voice-over

A doctor might gently say to a patient, “Well, we aren’t getting any younger, are we.” Maybe soon an AI app will make the judgement on whether it’s worth intervening. But then, when multiple health issues co-occur, maybe we should remember someone like Henry Kissinger, who at 100 years old, who has difficulty walking, can still deliver sense on how China and the US need to responsibly deal with each other. A life of worth.

Riches to rags

Loss and resilience…

Haruki: So what happened was that Masayoshi mortgaged his house and his business to support his son’s software enterprise. But the son lost it all so at the end of his life Masayoshi lost his business and ended up losing his house too. Nothing left.

Kazuo: Makes estate planning easy, I guess. Nothing in the will for family to squabble over.

川の流れのように

Haruki: Families squabble over remaining money in unfair wills. But if one family member wasted the family fortune, the family social fabric is just as torn. 

Kazuo: Resentment against the prodigal son, so to speak.

Haruki: In Masayoshi’s case it was property that was lost. But I was at a concert the other night. Lady in some pain came on and sang. Smiled all the way through. Nice voice. Heard later she has advanced cancer but wants to perform to the end. Just like Misora Hibari. About the same age too, early fifties.

_________

Voice-over

Losing property is frustrating but having your life cut short is something you can’t get back.

Rabbit at Rest

Drew his last breath yesterday.
R.I.P.

WHITE RABBIT
WHITE RABBIT
WHITE RABBIT

When Breath Becomes Air

Breaking the news at a hospital bedside…

Doctor: How do you feel?

George: Dreadful night. Didn’t think I’d make it. What is it?

Doctor: I was puzzled why we weren’t making progress. We ran some more tests. We got the latest results.

George: And?

Doctor: George. It’s cancer. In the lungs.

George: (blinks) Well, that’s a relief. We know what it is now.

Doctor: We can approach this two ways. One, stitch up the lung, buy you a little more time. Or two, give you medications and make you feel more comfortable.

George: Not keen on intervention. I’m 99. Give me some relief.

Doctor: Then let’s do that.

________

Voice-over

George had Stage IV adenocarcinoma. At 99, he was not in his thirties like Paul Kalanithi, suffering from the same cancer who with his youth, vitality, knowledge, top-line attending doctors didn’t make it past 37. His memoir, “When Breath Becomes Air” was an inspiring bestseller. At 99, the chances of coming through an operation are very low, and surviving more than a year lower yet. Palliative care: make the patient comfortable.

A green door

Looking across the road...

Walter: See that house. Number 9? There's a story to that front door.
Robert: The green front door.
Walter: Yes. It's 1915, and a young man comes out that front door, opens the gate, and walks off down the road with his kit bag slung over his shoulder.
Robert: A soldier?
Walter: Called to the war. To serve country. Boarded the train and never came back.
Robert: Europe?
Walter: Died in the mud near Ypres.
__________
Voice-over
All that is left of those many are their names commemorated on plaques. In the the war memorial. A way to remember young lives cut short. Sometimes memory of them lingers in other ways.

The moment of passing

Giselle tells Bertrand about Dorothy’s death.

...

Giselle: She passed away. 8:55 last night.

Bertrand: Oh, I’m sorry.

Giselle: I was with her at the end. I’d just dropped in and was just leaving and saying I’d be back to see her in the morning.

Bertrand: So you saw her go?

Giselle: She just sighed, like she was really tired, and that was her last breath.

_________

Voice-over

There are certain facts commonly reported in the passing of a soul. The time of passing. Any last words. An expression on their face.

Conventions that clear the way for words of remembering and grief.

...