Untied Airlines

Rip Page calls Untied Air to inquire about a mileage ticket.

 ...

Untied: Hello. Mr Page?

Rip: How do you know it’s me?

Untied: We can tell by the phone number you’re calling from.

Rip: I've got a few miles. Like to fly to Tulsa. Economy.

Untied: That’ll be 10,000 miles.

Rip: Round trip?

Untied: Round trip. Yes.

Rip: And one way?

Untied: 10,000 miles. Same.

Rip: Why not half?

Untied: Is rule. One-way, return, same, same.

Rip: Any extra costs?

Untied: Nothing extra. Except for phone booking, fuel surcharge, airport taxes. You pay by credit card?

Rip: The 17^th of this month.

Untied. Sorry. Fully booked.

Rip: Next day?

Untied: So sorry. Fully booked rest of the week.

Rip: OK. Forget it.

Untied: Shall we take this consultation fee off your mileage?

Rip: But I haven’t even booked.

Untied: Sorry. Asking without booking is 2000 miles. Booking costs 4000.

 

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Voice-over

Follow-up call from UA:

 

“You will be aware that telephone calls are monitored for training and security purposes.

 

Your conversation with our Agent Kajima was brought to our attention, due to the high level of protestatory language you used in engaging Agent Kajima.

 

While we encourage constructive criticism of our program, we draw the line at the satirical language you directed at Agent Kajima. Our microphones also picked up exhalations of constipated frustration under your breath.

 

You will be aware that since 9/11, such forensic findings must be reported to the FAA. They have now passed the tape on to Birmingham University where it will be further parsed. Their report will then be relayed to the Pentagon.

 

Should you be found in contempt of our program, or worse, our company, or Heaven Forbid, our country, you will be barred from accruing any further miles in any Star Alliance Program and, according to FAA regulations, should you ever wish to fly again, will be required to purchase tickets at the full rate on only Untied Airline and be accompanied by one of our flight marshalls. No drinks. Toilets subject to extra charge.

 

Thank you for your continued patronage on UA. We do Our Utmost!”

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